My husband and I took a trip to the UK in May. It was our first trip out of the US together and Judah’s first time out of the country. It came with much anticipation after three years of being in the states and not being able to leave due to my visa application. One day I might share some more about that process and all the emotions that came with it, but I really wanted to sit down and spend some time sharing about what came up for me during our time ‘home’.
Heading into the trip I was holding the potential of us absolutely loving it and wanting to move home. The question of whether we were in the right place for us (Florida) had been swirling for a long time, for me, and I was so curious to see how I felt being back in Wales.
My reference point for what I expected to feel were the summer breaks home from university, which were always such a huge relief and so fun for me. I loved the comforting feeling of being home, being taken care of and having less responsibility.
Our trip was pretty jam packed with doing as much as we could in the few weeks were there, seeing lots of family and friends that I hadn’t connected in person with in four years (wild!!) and so I definitely felt exhausted in moments throughout the trip and shortly after we got back to Florida.
During the trip I didn’t feel this deep sense of relief I expected to feel, we both loved the experience but didn’t feel a pull to consider moving back there any time soon and I honestly felt so relieved come back home to our life that we’ve been creating here for the last year or so. I realised that I actually really do like my life here, even if some things are still being built and I feel a sense of grief from time to time when I reflect on my life in the uk.
It got me thinking about how often we make a choice and there is a real, intense feeling of grief that comes with it. We connect to the yes we’re committing to and with it comes the long list of things we’re also saying no to. It’s impossible to have it all. For me, the grief comes with being far away from family and friends, being in the beautiful Welsh countryside, the familiar feeling of seeing British food in the store or going over to someone’s house just to share a cup of tea and chat for an hour or two. and of course, so many other things that I experience in the uk that I don’t get to do in the states. The sadness only grows around birthdays or holidays and it is a real practice for me to be with it when it comes up.
When we were on the trip I also noticed that I had sooooo been romanticising the UK to be something that it actually never was, and never will be. An example of this would be whenever I see photos of London, I feel like it is the most amazing, beautiful, dynamic place that I just havvvveeee to be, right this second.. and when we were there I was reminded that literally every time I go, I feel so overwhelmed and overstimulated by the amount of people and how big it is! Of course I enjoyed so many moments, but it is definitely not my favourite place or somewhere I could spend an extended amount of time.
The practice for me since we’ve been home again has to remain conscious of this pattern that often comes up for me. I can recognise that it’s job is to protect me from being fully present to my life here, just in case something bad happens or I feel something that my system is perceiving to be too much. It’s the escape hatch fantasy. The hope that something else will be better and fill all my needs and wipe away any sadness or loneliness.. which of course will never happen. It’s been to remind myself that it’s safe to show up to my life and to let my body really settle into this choice that I’ve made to be here. Also, some self-compassion around the huge move we made across the country to a place where we knew no one, goes a really long way!
For now, I’m confident in our choice to be here and feel so excited about what we’re co-creating with each other and God. The trip back to the UK helped me to clearly see the dynamic I was in around my choices, not just about where to live but how the same thing shows up with other aspects of my life too. I’ve been settling into the idea that it’s safe and really okay for me to continue with the things that are right in front of me. I don’t always need to change things or make a pivot. When I’m connected to myself and God I know the difference between protection and a true dream or desire.
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On another note, this post has been in my drafts for months. I’ve felt a lot of stuckness around creating for a little while and so sharing this feels like an important step towards what feels really meaningful for me. Thank you so much for reading and being here with me in this space. I enjoy it so much when I actually take that step towards writing and so hope that these small moments of connection we get to share feel supportive for you.
Sending you love and hope that you’re enjoying the abundance of summer, so far.
Em xx
Sooo beautiful Emily 💫